I’m trying very hard to stay upbeat, positive and optimistic through my diagnosis and search for the best treatment, but it hasn’t always been that way and to be honest, there’s the odd time when I still can’t manage it.
When I was first diagnosed (June 2017) I was in denial, kind of pretending it wasn’t happening, not really telling anyone and hiding my symptoms wherever possible. It took me a whole year to get my head around it, to accept it and to decide the best idea is to learn as much as I can and do whatever I can to fight back.
I have spent many years of my adult life as a single parent, putting all my energies into raising my children, giving them the best that I could. I gave up my teaching job for a few years when I realised working 60 hours a week wasn’t compatible with lone parenting. I prioritised my children, kept men at arms length and generally put other aspects of my life on hold. Don’t get me wrong – these were happy times and I didn’t feel I was making a huge sacrifice. I knew that this was just a stage in life and that before long my children would be grown up and independent and I’d have plenty of time to do things for myself. I thought maybe I’d travel, join a dating site, rent out my house and work abroad, do a photography course, get fit …
Unfortunately 7 years of strange symptoms and worrying MRIs have cramped my style a little! It’s hard to plan ahead and impossible to commit to anything too challenging when you’re not sure whether your body will be functioning properly.
In August 2016, I was having a really well phase and went on my first ever singles holiday. I had an amazing time. Unfortunately, shortly after my return home, I began my third and most severe MS relapse and haven’t had a symptom free day since then.
One of my biggest disappointments is a few years ago having to defer, then withdraw, from a Psychology of Education Masters course I had been offered a place on, when my health problems got in the way. I hope I get another chance some day.
Sometimes I am all too aware that I’m neglecting friends as my time, emotions and energy are limited and need to be rationed!
So, in many ways, my world has become smaller over recent years, rather than the expansion I was hoping for.