125 Isolation

What is this strange world in which we are now living?  Nothing is as it was and it’s very unsettling.  

This has been a really tough week for many of us and I hope you are managing ok and doing all you can to keep yourself and others safe.  

Last Monday, I should have been flying to Moscow for HSCT.  I’m so disappointed to not be having my treatment and the emotional shock of this change has been very difficult.  For me and my family, everything has been building towards that day and that one aim, so it knocked us for six when it didn’t happen. 

As we have moved though the week and the threat of CV19 has increased, and all the necessary restrictions have been put in place, I have become increasingly thankful to be at home and to be feeling relatively safe.  The thought of trying to travel home from Russia in this situation really scares me … so I’m going to sit this out and see what happens when life gets better for us all. 

I spent most of Monday and Tuesday in a state of emotional shock about this big change, with the rapidly evolving CV19 situation as the back drop.  On Wednesday I had a telephone appointment with one of Professor Sharrack’s team in Sheffield.  I have to say that this was the best neurology appointment I have ever had!  He really took the time to ask me how I am, what has changed since my last appointment and how my symptoms are impacting on my life.  He was also pleased to find that I was still here and not planning to go to Russia anytime soon.  I’m not sure what my rights are to choose my own consultant, but I intend to find out and choose this one if I can.

The upshot of the appointment is that I should have had a brain and spinal cord MRI in January and no one seems to know why it didn’t happen.  So, I am to be referred again and will have a further consultation when the findings are known.  Obviously I have no idea when this scan might take place, but at least I’m still in the system somewhere!  I was also informed that the hospital in Sheffield have suspended their HSCT for autoimmune diseases because of the risks presented by CV19.

There was another devastating blow this week when we realised that the Swan Brewery head shave and Bald Eagle beer launch event cannot go ahead.  Jimmy and Gill have worked so hard for this and are now having to work doubly hard to protect their small brewery business from the current crisis. 

If you are in the Leominster area and would like some good beer as an occasional isolation treat, check out their collection or drop off options here …

Swan Brewery

On Monday, I discovered that both Niamh and I are on the government list of vulnerable people – me because of my MS and Niamh because of her asthma.  

I decided I need to “socially distance” and self- isolate as much as possible ..something I found very upsetting and depressing to begin with.  On Wednesday, we made the decision that we should not be together.  Niamh lives part of the week with me and part of the week with her boyfriend, Callum and from now on, will be living at Callum’s.  It was incredibly upsetting for us both when she came home after work to collect a few things, blow kisses and say goodbye from a distance …but it was the right thing for us to do.  

Yesterday Niamh dropped off a food parcel after work.  I thought I’d feel upset and it was hard not to hug her, but it really did give me a boost to speak to her and to see her in the flesh.  

On Thursday I went back to work.  When I say “went” I didn’t actually go anywhere at all, but worked from home.  All of my team have been working from home since Tuesday and both my employer and team manager have been amazing at ensuring everyone is safe and able to work.  We have a work WhatsApp group and are keeping in constant touch with each other, which is great.  I didn’t want to go to the office at all, so a colleague collected a few things and brought them to me and we even managed a short socially distanced chat, with me on the door step and her on the pavement!  It’s good this is happening at a time when there is a break in the usual rainy weather!  Thank you Jan and lovely to see you ?

On Wednesday evening, the government announced that schools in England would be closing to most pupils from Friday afternoon.  It’s actually incorrect to say that schools are closed – most are, in fact, open and will be providing care for the children of key workers as well as those who may be vulnerable.  I work with children who are in care and who automatically come under the vulnerable heading, so it’s been a hectic couple of days trying to ensure everything is in place for them as it should be.  The task was made more difficult because of both the lateness and vagueness of government directions and the variety of ways in which these were being interpreted. 

Most council staff who are able to work from home are now doing so and our IT systems weren’t designed for this level of remote demand, so there have been challenges, but we are doing our best. 

All in all I have enjoyed being back at work.  It has been good to have something different to focus on (other than on myself!) and to feel I am doing something useful. I am absolutely exhausted though!

I’m glad it’s now the weekend and plan to catch up with friends and family via Skype, messenger, Facebook, whatsapp, text and good old fashioned phone call. How would we have ever coped with this situation without technology and access to the online world?!  I’ve even been invited to a virtual pub lock-in!

I also plan to make some lists of things to do whilst at home and create a bit of a timetable for myself.  I definitely function best with a bit of structure and purpose in my life.  In addition, I will be reviewing my food situation and having a stern word with myself … if I continue as I am, I may well avoid the virus but I am likely to become a very fat alcoholic, which I’d also like to avoid.

The government and NHS websites are being updated regularly with advice and guidance on what we should all be doing to protect ourselves and each other and I am also checking various MS/CV19 pages too …

NHS COVID-19 page

Coronavirus (COVID-19): what you need to do (Government page)

MS Society COVID-19 page

Professor Gavin Giavannoni’s MS and COVID-19 Microsite

So this is my life for now.  Living and working in this little house on my own, with two crazy cats for company. I hope to keep in touch with the people who matter to me and I hope to get myself into some sort of routine that also includes time outdoors.  I am dependent on others to do my shopping and bring me what I need …this doesn’t sit easily with me but I’m going to assume that no one will offer help unless they genuinely wish to provide it. There is an amazing local community group emerging where I live, offering all sorts of help, home deliveries etc. so I’ll be making use of that too.  Most human beings are fantastic in crisis!  (We won’t mention the virus deniers and panic buyers for now!)

54 Neurology appointment

I finally got to meet my new neurologist yesterday and to find out why I won’t be seeing the old one.  It turns out that my previous neurologist has left the NHS, in fact, he has left the country and has returned to Malta! My political mind wonders if this was Brexit related …I guess we’ll never know.

So my new neurologist was doing an additional catch up clinic for those of us left without a neurologist.  He was a nice man but the whole appointment felt a bit rushed and pointless.  He wants me on another DMT, but didn’t ask how I felt about that and he wasn’t aware of my letter enquiring about HSCT. 

I asked him about HSCT and he looked a little flustered then explained that he thought it was likely helpful for some patients, but that we need more large group, long term clinic trials to be clear on who it might help.  He also said that there was a number of drugs left for me to try, before considering anything more drastic.

He briefly mentioned “people who fundraise or sell their homes” to pay for treatment abroad (not realising that I am on my way to being one of them) and made some strange claim about those patients claiming to have improvements or to have halted their MS, but him not being convinced it was true!  He felt some improvements were psychological and linked to the fact that people have invested in the treatment and believed it would work.  

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that (intensive chemo, followed by stem cell transplant, having a placebo effect??) but decided not to discuss it further or tell him I am planning to have HSCT myself. 

I felt he was a nice man and clearly believes that current drugs are good for his patients.  It wasn’t until I was on my way home that I realised he didn’t ask me how I am, about new symptoms, or, in fact, my views or experience of anything at all!  

So, that’s it, my hopes of accessing HSCT in the UK are now over.  I am now one of those MSers who is diagnosed, shoved on drugs and seen once a year for a review (during which no one will actually ask how I am!). 

I felt quite down about this last night but am ready to fight on today.  Being an advocate for your own health is something we should all do, whatever our ailment.  Knowledge is power.  Find out what you need, find out how to get it and don’t give up ??

I now need to get back to fundraising (and possibly borrowing) with a vengeance.  I think I’ll buy a lottery ticket for this weekend’s draw! ??

On the plus side, the clinic in Moscow (as well as the one in Mexico) is infinitely more experienced in treating MS patients and has a much better safety record.   I really will be in the hands of world experts and that feels good to me! 

I also left the hospital armed with a bit of light reading! 

GoFundMe

52 Hospital blues

Today I had an appointment with my neurologist at Salford Royal Hospital.  All my previous appointments have been at Stepping Hill, but last time I saw him, he suggested I see him at SRH, where he and his team are based. 

So, last night I spent quite a bit of time preparing by making notes and gathering documents together, set my alarm for 6.30am and following a sleepless night, got up and ready and set off for the hospital. 

I was a little early so had time to grab a coffee and admire the hospital building, before checking in for my appointment.

It was at this point that I was informed that there was no appointment and my neurologist is on holiday!  I was told that I should have received a letter about this and it wasn’t possible to check if an alternative appointment has been allocated because her system couldn’t communicate with the neurology system!  

I was upset/angry/disappointed by this, perhaps more so than I should have been and basically sat in the waiting room for quite a while, feeling helpless!

As mentioned before, Salford Royal is quite an impressive hospital, with a cafe and shops, so I indulge in a little retail therapy and another coffee, then set off for home.  

I used to work in Salford and know of a sneaky back way on to the M60, missing out the M602 …what I didn’t know is that there are roadworks on my sneaky route, meaning my journey home took almost 2 hours!  I think the radio station I was listening to must have known …

I was relieved to get home, then flabbergasted to find this on my doormat …

No mention of my appointment being cancelled, but notification of another appointment (with a different neurologist) next Wednesday!  

I don’t know what to make of this?!  The new neurologist is one I’ve never met, but know from others that he is not pro HSCT.  I would really prefer not to see him.  I have put in calls to my neurologist’s secretary and my MS Nurse and am waiting to hear back from them. 

Why does all this matter? …Well, as you know, I am worried about the progression of my Multiple Sclerosis and would like to have HSCT as soon as possible to try and halt the disease and prevent further damage to my brain and spinal cord.  I have been in touch with a clinic in Russia and am frantically trying to raise the funds to pay for treatment.  

Fundraising is stressful and exhausting, at a time when my mental and emotional reserves are low and I also don’t relish the prospect of travelling for treatment, or more precisely, the journey home following such a gruelling procedure.  If I could have HSCT in the UK on the NHS, much of my stress would be removed and I could focus my energies on staying well and taking care of myself.  I’m find it really hard to keep going with all of this. 

I know the chances of me getting treatment in this country are slim, but I wanted the chance to talk to my neurologist about it to see if he would consider referring me.   I also hoped that, even if he felt unable to support my treatment in the UK, he might at least give me his blessing and be willing to monitor me when I get back from Russia.  Now, I don’t seem to even have the chance to speak to him! 

Anyway, I’m off out for my work Christmas do this evening, so will hopefully pull myself together, put my happy face on and have a good evening.  I consider myself very lucky to have fabulous workmates, so hope to be feeling a bit brighter by the end of the night ?