stairs – Another MS Warrior

133 A few updates

Work

With the start of the new term, I have been back at work this week. Thankfully, my employer continues to advise that all those who can work at home, should do so. As a person with chronic illness and disability, there are advantages to working from home – mainly that I can get up, log on and just get on with it, rather than negotiate the challenges of rushing about to get ready, sorting out a packed lunch and driving to the office. In the past, I would often arrive at work feeling exhausted from the efforts to get there. I don’t miss the parking issues, queues for the lift, long walk to the kitchen or having to go up or down a floor to visit the ladies. Now I’m starting my working day feeling fresh and ready to go and I haven’t used any unnecessary spoons just to get to that point.

You can read more about Spoon Theory here … The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

My cats have loved having me at home over the last few months and one in particular loves his morning snuggle on my knee each day. He’s not at all happy that some mornings I’m now sitting at my desk and my knee is no longer available …

Of course there are down sides to working from home and I miss the contact with colleagues and face to face kitchen chats to quickly agree actions or find out information (all so much more formal and convoluted by email).

I have no idea what the new version of normal will be in the future, but I hope there will be continued opportunities to work from home, at least for part of the time. I really feel this would help me to stay in work for longer – better for me and better for society. I know that many disabled people around the world are feeling this too.

House move

Over the last couple of months, I have come to the conclusion that now is the time for me to move to a home without stairs. Thankfully, I haven’t had any further falls, but I’ve had lots of wobbles and near misses. I’m anxious about the stairs every time I use them or cross the landing to go to the bathroom from my bedroom. I love my little house and garden and I love the community I live in, but it’s not right to continue living like this for a longer period of time.

I have considered the option of having a stair lift fitted, but that wouldn’t take away my daily fear of falling from the top. I also have a cellar here, which is another challenge, as for some reason no one thought to install a handrail. The loft is also difficult to access and I don’t like having to ask for help whenever I want anything to go up or down. In addition, this house is well over 100 years old and so needs continual maintenance and is expensive to heat.

So, I am now in the process of getting my house ready to sell. I’ve only been here for 3 years, and there was a lot of interest at the time of buying it. The housing market in this area seems buoyant, at least at the moment, so I feel this is the right time to go. I have a plan coming together on where I’m moving to, but will keep that under wraps for now.

HSCT

HSCT has started again in Mexico and I’m already aware of a couple of Brits who have made that journey and are now recovering at home. The clinic in Russia is admitting patients again but I think visa issues have held up any Brits trying to get there. Hopefully this will be resolved soon.

I understand that some patients have started HSCT at the London hospitals, but no one is being treated in Sheffield just yet.

I have an MRI scan in Sheffield on Thursday. Professor Sharrack plans to compare this to the scan I had last July and if he can see new disease activity, he may still consider me for HSCT, which would be amazing. I have very mixed feelings about this. I started a new DMT (disease modifying therapy) a few months ago, which is hoped will reduce disease activity so it would be great if things are calming down. I have a feeling the scan will show a little activity, but not enough to meet Professor Sharrack’s criteria!

I used to find the MRI machine terrifying – feeling trapped, unable to move, cut off from the world and with all manner of super loud clunking and grinding noises going on, but I’m obviously becoming desensitised now, as I haven’t started worrying about it (yet)!

Tecfidera (DMT)

I am pleased to report that the initial flushing, rashes and itching triggered by Tecfidera have mostly stopped now. I still have the odd day when this happens, but it’s much milder. I haven’t yet spotted a link that would explain why it sometimes happens, but more often doesn’t. I have a blood test at the end of September to check liver and kidney function and once that’s cleared, there’s just possible hair loss to worry about!

Many thanks to family and friends for your continued support with all these ups and downs ?

131 My current thoughts about HSCT

This is going to be one of those posts where I throw a load of my thoughts on to the screen, in the hope that I can make some sense of them. So, if that’s not your thing – click away now!

As you all know, I was meant to be travelling to Russia on 16th March for HSCT (Haematopoietic Stem Cell Transplant) … hours of research, numerous discussions with family and friends and huge fundraising efforts had led to this point. Provisions were purchased, the house was disinfected, visas were obtained, plans put in place for my return, flights were booked and I was all ready to go. Then along came COVID 19 and everything changed. With just 4 days to go, my trip to Russia was cancelled and ten days after that, the UK began lockdown.

Before COVID, I was feeling incredibly positive, full of determination and confident in my decision. Four months on, I am struggling to connect to those feelings and now find the thought of doing this really frightening.

Initially, I was keen to get my treatment back on track as soon as possible, but as the full impact of the pandemic unfolded, my thoughts on this began to change. There was talk of the clinic reopening in July and this has now been put back to at least September, but I wouldn’t feel at all safe going that soon. The Russian borders remain closed and their COVID infection rate is rumoured to be high.

If things had gone ahead as planned, I would be 3 months post transplant now … past the most dangerous, low immune system, phase, hopefully starting to recover, reconnecting with friends, getting back to work and seeing my hair beginning to return. I was so ready to take this on … but now totally dread that this is all still ahead of me.

Like all of us, I have spent the last few months in lockdown and have experienced a mixture of emotions. I’m a sociable person, so have struggled without daily contact with others and with not see my friends and family. I’ve also been unwell during this time, so it’s been quite a challenge. Maybe this was a glimpse of how life might be in the first weeks and months after HSCT? Would I want to put myself through that again? Maybe I feel that way because we’re not out of it yet and I’m still missing my old life? ??‍♀️

Before COVID I also felt confident about keeping my house clean and sanitised and about all the extra measures needed to keep infection risk to a minimum during the early weeks and months after treatment, whilst the new immune system is developing. Now I am super anxious about germs everywhere!

In my mind, my treatment has been put back until COVID has gone and who knows when that might be?!

In the meantime, all the other worries that keep me awake at night continue to haunt me … Can I really manage to carry on working? If only I could afford to reduce my hours. Should I move house? Will my steep stairs kill me?!

These are issues I planned to think about after HSCT, but with the delay, I’m being forced to think about them now

I always feel it’s a bad idea to make important decisions while you have “stuff” going on. With the COVID pandemic, we all have stuff going on and we are likely to be in this situation for quite some time. How can I decide what to do??

I’ve been having some counselling (by telephone) over the last few weeks and through that I have realised that I’ve never really come to terms with my diagnosis and carry a lot of shame and guilt associated with it. Counselling has been really helpful and I am grateful that my employer has funded this for me. I am now back at work (from home) on a phased return, something I felt was impossible just a few weeks ago.

So dear friends, if you have any words of wisdom to help me deal with the whirring thoughts in my head , do let me know!

I don’t want anyone to be too concerned about this post full of doom, gloom and confusion … I’m feeling ok day to day and have found some real positives in lockdown (maybe I’ll write about those in a later post). I continue to be so very grateful to family and friends for all your support. I also want to apologise to loved ones I haven’t had much contact with (that includes you Melanie and Auntie Ann) … I’ve had to keep my world very small recently to cope with the madness … I promise I’ll be in touch soon xx

Stay safe everyone ❤️

113 Reflections

I always struggle a little at this time of year. I guess we all tend to become a little reflective at this time, looking back on what we have achieved, or otherwise, in the last 12 months. What aspects of our lives have improved and which have become worse? As well as this, it tends to make me reflect on life in general and to notice the passing years and wasted time.

During the last year I have reduced my hours at work – this is the first time in my life that I have ever been a part time worker. This was definitely the right decision for me, although my MS has progressed further, to an extent that I’d probably benefit from reducing my hours further. Unfortunately my finances don’t allow for this at the moment.

The last few months at work have been particularly challenging and by the end of December my symptoms were so overwhelming I was forced to take some time off. I am back at work on Monday and although looking forward to seeing my work team and getting back to”normal”, I have a lot of worry about whether I can cope. Unfortunately this worry is disturbing my sleep, contributing to my fatigue and making me feel worse!

I had a telephone appointment with an Occupational Health nurse in December – she was supportive and helpful, but overall, I’m not sure I gained much from it. She has made some suggestions about changes, or “reasonable adjustments” that could be made to support me at work, but none of them really solve the problems I face. The building I work in is not disability friendly at all and I don’t think there’s much I can do to change that. At a time when public sector workers are under a resumption of pressure, austerity measures and huge workloads, there’s no way I can reasonably request to do less.

On the plus side, I am now receiving the Daily Living Standard Rate PIP (Personal independence Payment), for which I am very grateful. I also have an appointment this week with an Occupational Therapist from the Community Neurology Team, to provide advice and see whether there are any adaptations or equipment that could help me at home.

This time last year, I was managing well in my little house. I live in a small 130 year old terraced house, with an exceptionally steep staircase! Friends often comment on how steep it is, with very narrow treads, but I’ve been determined to push through and keep using them. Over the last year, the stairs have become more and more challenging for me. Going up, I feel reasonably safe and usually climb on all fours. Coming down is another matter altogether!

I fell down stairs (from about half way) a few weeks ago and since then, do not feel safe when coming down the stairs. I have been thinking for a while that need to move to a bungalow or a flat and my recent experience has confirmed this for me. I feel very sad about this …I love my little house and I love where I live …but I need to feel safe and independent.

I have a personal Instagram account and as usual asked the #BestNine app to find my most popular photos of 2019. This year my life seems to have consisted of family and finger nails! Where are the nights out, the holidays, the weekends away? Where are the day trips, visits to galleries and exhibitions? Where are the cocktails and journeys on the 192?! Where are the gigs and festivals? Where are the protest marches and rallies? … I want to go back to my old life …fuck you MS.

If you’ve read this so far, thank you for indulging me. I know I sound like a whinger and I promise I’ll snap out of it soon! I have much to be thankful for and when I reflect on 2019 with my positive glasses on, this is what I find …

My wonderful children and their equally amazing partners ????‍?‍??
My fantastic brother, sister, their partners and children ❤️
My wider family ?
My kind, supportive and loyal friends ?
A job I love with the best ever colleagues ?
My beautiful cats! ??
My little house and my local community ?
I can walk and talk and take care of myself ??‍♀️
I have a plan to improve my life … HSCT here I come! ?
The amazing support and efforts of family, friends and strangers alike, in helping to raise the funds needed to pay for my treatment ??

Happy new year everyone!

GoFundMe

111 Mrs Bump

There has been a lot going on over the last couple of weeks so thought I’d come back with an update.

Sheila ran another stall at the Vintage Village on Sunday and raised a very respectable £116. Alan very kindly sold a few items of clothing through his vintage shop, 20th Century Stores and raised a further £90.

So the vintage sale fundraiser had brought in a grand total of …

Thanks again to Alan and the Vintage Village, but most of all, to my lovely friend Sheila for so much hard work and for all your support ?

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Thank you to family and friends who have decided not to send Christmas cards this year and to make donations to my fund instead. This has raised a total of £470 …absolutely amazing! Thank you everyone ?

We had hoped to hit £20,000 by Christmas, but with all these amazing efforts, our grand total now stands at …

I had an appointment with my neurologist on Monday …always a bizarre experience. Neurology services are obviously over stretched and trying to summarise a year’s worth of symptoms, concerns and questions into a rushed 10 minute appointment isn’t easy. By the end of the appointment, it was agreed that he will refer me to occupational therapy, write to Professor Sharrack and prescribe medication to address my fatigue and brain fog (assuming liver and kidney function tests are all good). He also suggested I stay off work until the end of term.

I have heard nothing further from Professor Sharrack and will find the energy to chase him again soon.

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Today I managed to fall down the stairs …I’m not quite sure how this happened, but I think my legs just gave way beneath me and before I knew it, I was on the floor at the bottom of the stairs!

Luckily I only have bruises, but I must admit I’m feeling a bit shaken by the experience. Steep Victorian staircases are not best ever for MSers it would seem!

I have only lived in this house for a little over 2 years and I was obviously aware of the unusually steep stairs, but had no idea how much of a challenge they would become for me. I mostly go up them on all fours, which seems to work well. Coming down stairs is a different matter and I really don’t feel safe a lot of the time.

I’ll add it to the list of things to worry about! ?

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You may remember a while ago I posted about Scott McCormick (From Gogglebox) undergoing HSCT at Hammersmith Hospital. Scott has been recovering well and has been keeping us all informed of his progress. He recently had an MRI scan – an insight into whether his MS has halted or not – today he got the results …

I am absolutely delighted for Scott. He has shared his journey on twitter and through videos he has made for MS-UK and the HSCT community has been following with interest. It has been wonderful to see him get better and better and to know that he is now looking forward to a happy healthy future with his family. I’m sure Scott will be a powerful voice for HSCT going forward and we are all very grateful to him for sharing his experience.

GoFundMe