125 Isolation

What is this strange world in which we are now living?  Nothing is as it was and it’s very unsettling.  

This has been a really tough week for many of us and I hope you are managing ok and doing all you can to keep yourself and others safe.  

Last Monday, I should have been flying to Moscow for HSCT.  I’m so disappointed to not be having my treatment and the emotional shock of this change has been very difficult.  For me and my family, everything has been building towards that day and that one aim, so it knocked us for six when it didn’t happen. 

As we have moved though the week and the threat of CV19 has increased, and all the necessary restrictions have been put in place, I have become increasingly thankful to be at home and to be feeling relatively safe.  The thought of trying to travel home from Russia in this situation really scares me … so I’m going to sit this out and see what happens when life gets better for us all. 

I spent most of Monday and Tuesday in a state of emotional shock about this big change, with the rapidly evolving CV19 situation as the back drop.  On Wednesday I had a telephone appointment with one of Professor Sharrack’s team in Sheffield.  I have to say that this was the best neurology appointment I have ever had!  He really took the time to ask me how I am, what has changed since my last appointment and how my symptoms are impacting on my life.  He was also pleased to find that I was still here and not planning to go to Russia anytime soon.  I’m not sure what my rights are to choose my own consultant, but I intend to find out and choose this one if I can.

The upshot of the appointment is that I should have had a brain and spinal cord MRI in January and no one seems to know why it didn’t happen.  So, I am to be referred again and will have a further consultation when the findings are known.  Obviously I have no idea when this scan might take place, but at least I’m still in the system somewhere!  I was also informed that the hospital in Sheffield have suspended their HSCT for autoimmune diseases because of the risks presented by CV19.

There was another devastating blow this week when we realised that the Swan Brewery head shave and Bald Eagle beer launch event cannot go ahead.  Jimmy and Gill have worked so hard for this and are now having to work doubly hard to protect their small brewery business from the current crisis. 

If you are in the Leominster area and would like some good beer as an occasional isolation treat, check out their collection or drop off options here …

Swan Brewery

On Monday, I discovered that both Niamh and I are on the government list of vulnerable people – me because of my MS and Niamh because of her asthma.  

I decided I need to “socially distance” and self- isolate as much as possible ..something I found very upsetting and depressing to begin with.  On Wednesday, we made the decision that we should not be together.  Niamh lives part of the week with me and part of the week with her boyfriend, Callum and from now on, will be living at Callum’s.  It was incredibly upsetting for us both when she came home after work to collect a few things, blow kisses and say goodbye from a distance …but it was the right thing for us to do.  

Yesterday Niamh dropped off a food parcel after work.  I thought I’d feel upset and it was hard not to hug her, but it really did give me a boost to speak to her and to see her in the flesh.  

On Thursday I went back to work.  When I say “went” I didn’t actually go anywhere at all, but worked from home.  All of my team have been working from home since Tuesday and both my employer and team manager have been amazing at ensuring everyone is safe and able to work.  We have a work WhatsApp group and are keeping in constant touch with each other, which is great.  I didn’t want to go to the office at all, so a colleague collected a few things and brought them to me and we even managed a short socially distanced chat, with me on the door step and her on the pavement!  It’s good this is happening at a time when there is a break in the usual rainy weather!  Thank you Jan and lovely to see you ?

On Wednesday evening, the government announced that schools in England would be closing to most pupils from Friday afternoon.  It’s actually incorrect to say that schools are closed – most are, in fact, open and will be providing care for the children of key workers as well as those who may be vulnerable.  I work with children who are in care and who automatically come under the vulnerable heading, so it’s been a hectic couple of days trying to ensure everything is in place for them as it should be.  The task was made more difficult because of both the lateness and vagueness of government directions and the variety of ways in which these were being interpreted. 

Most council staff who are able to work from home are now doing so and our IT systems weren’t designed for this level of remote demand, so there have been challenges, but we are doing our best. 

All in all I have enjoyed being back at work.  It has been good to have something different to focus on (other than on myself!) and to feel I am doing something useful. I am absolutely exhausted though!

I’m glad it’s now the weekend and plan to catch up with friends and family via Skype, messenger, Facebook, whatsapp, text and good old fashioned phone call. How would we have ever coped with this situation without technology and access to the online world?!  I’ve even been invited to a virtual pub lock-in!

I also plan to make some lists of things to do whilst at home and create a bit of a timetable for myself.  I definitely function best with a bit of structure and purpose in my life.  In addition, I will be reviewing my food situation and having a stern word with myself … if I continue as I am, I may well avoid the virus but I am likely to become a very fat alcoholic, which I’d also like to avoid.

The government and NHS websites are being updated regularly with advice and guidance on what we should all be doing to protect ourselves and each other and I am also checking various MS/CV19 pages too …

NHS COVID-19 page

Coronavirus (COVID-19): what you need to do (Government page)

MS Society COVID-19 page

Professor Gavin Giavannoni’s MS and COVID-19 Microsite

So this is my life for now.  Living and working in this little house on my own, with two crazy cats for company. I hope to keep in touch with the people who matter to me and I hope to get myself into some sort of routine that also includes time outdoors.  I am dependent on others to do my shopping and bring me what I need …this doesn’t sit easily with me but I’m going to assume that no one will offer help unless they genuinely wish to provide it. There is an amazing local community group emerging where I live, offering all sorts of help, home deliveries etc. so I’ll be making use of that too.  Most human beings are fantastic in crisis!  (We won’t mention the virus deniers and panic buyers for now!)

117 MS and HSCT online roundup

I am so glad to have this illness at a time when we have access to information, opinion and support online.  If my only source of information was my neurologist, my life would be a complete mess by now! 

I am a big supporter of the NHS, my parents were both GPs and I’ve been on marches to protest funding cuts, but … I really don’t think the NHS has it right yet, in managing chronic illness and supporting patients with long term health problems.  It is common for MSers to have a long fight to be taken seriously, to be referred to a neurologist, to be diagnosed and then to receive appropriate treatment and support.  

Meanwhile, in other parts of the world, rapid diagnosis and early treatment has been shown to be the best option for patients in terms of minimising progression and disability and the most cost effective for health services.  

At present, I see my neurologist for 10 rushed minutes once per year.  He doesn’t even ask me about new symptoms or my opinion on anything!  It’s a very deflating experience and I don’t feel at all supported (probably not his fault – what can he do in 10 minutes?).  I should have had access to an MS Nurse for ongoing support and advice for the last few years, but unfortunately my neurologist forgot to refer me and I have slipped through the net (despite numerous phone calls and requests from me).  

I recently had an appointment with an Occupational Therapist, which has been a really positive experience.  She has given me advice, access to equipment and most of all, she has listened to how MS affects my life. She has also managed to chase up the MS nurse service and they are finally acknowledging my existence!  Thank you Hannah ?

I have learnt a lot about MS through reading and researching online.  The MS Trust, MS-UK, Shift MS, the MS Society (amongst others) are all excellent sources of information and guidance.  Another source of knowledge is Dr Aaron Boster, who is an Ohio based MS neurologist with a Youtube channel, where he seeks to educate and empower people with MS.  Dr Boster works on the premise that neurologists and other practitioners working with MSers should have the goal of helping each person to be the “most awesome version of themselves”.  I love this!  I want to be the most awesome version of me that I can be!  Here’s a short video in which he answers viewers questions on how to manage their MS symptoms …

There are many other videos on a variety of topics linked to MS on his YouTube channel … well worth a look if you, or someone you care about, has MS. 

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I have spoken before about following the journey of Scott McCormick (Gogglebox) as he underwent HSCT at Hammersmith Hospital in London.  Scott is recovering well, has had no further disease progression and is now back at work and enjoying life.  He is doing all he can t raise awareness of HSCT.

He has written a couple of blog posts for MS-UK to summarise his experience …

Part 1 My neurologist tried to talk me out of having HSCT

Part 2 I was told to expect the worst I could imagine, and then some

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My main source of information, advice and personal accounts of those who are seeking or have had HSCT has been through the UK Facebook support group.  This is a closed group for MSers and their supporters only.  

I thought I’d share the link in case any fellow MSers are interested … link 

Another source of support is a new UK charity, AIMS (Autoimmune and MultipleSclerosis), which was set up a little over a year ago.  A group of MSers and their partners experienced the tough journey to access HSCT and they set up AIMS as a means of helping others on that journey.  They are now a flourishing charity and have started rolling out travel grants to those of us having to go abroad for treatment. 

You can read more on their website here.  I would recommend anyone who wants to know more about the treatment, to read their excellent summary “What is HSCT?”.  AIMS also have an active social media presence and can be found on Facebook and Twitter …please follow them and share with your friends. 

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On Monday it will be just 6 weeks until I set off on my journey to Moscow in an attempt to stop my MS progressing further.  I’m feeling really positive about my decision and so grateful for the support of my family and friends ❤️ 

I’m a little tired and stressed, but this is more about the worry of getting myself and my home ready and managing all the planning and practicalities involved.  

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We are still fundraising and have a long way to go before we reach the total needed to fund my treatment.  A family member is kindly lending me the outstanding funds as I am worried about delaying my treatment any further. This means that I will be continuing to fundraise after my treatment so that I can repay my loan. 

My journey to Russia begins on Monday 16th March and we are holding a fundraising fare well tea party on Sunday 8th March.  We’re still finalising the details and will share those with you soon, but please put the date in your diary … we’d love you to come along and bring your friends and family ?

GoFundMe 

98 Dealing with emotions

Something that isn’t talked about often, is the emotional strain of living with a chronic progressive disease, such as MS.  I think one of the reasons we don’t talk about it, is that it is so very hard to describe and explain how it feels, in a way that other people can understand and because, just like physical symptoms, feelings aren’t static and can change from day to day, or even hour to hour.  

Depression is a very common symptom for people with MS.  Some of this is attributed to the changes taking place in the brain due to the disease and some is likely to be linked to the constant ongoing loss and grief that we feel for our old selves and worry about the future.

Here is what the MS Trust has to say about depression in MS …

“Around half of all people with multiple sclerosis will experience depression at some time in their life. This is three times higher than for the general population. Part of this extra risk comes from MS damaging nerves in the brain, and part comes from the experience of living with a complex disease. 

People with MS are likely to experience chronic depression, with symptoms lasting a long time, even several years. In MS, depression is unlikely to go away on its own, due to the underlying lesions, but it is very treatable, so get help as soon as you can.”

The MS Society website also has an informative section on Mental Health, Mood, Depression and Stress.

Unfortunately, it is my experience that neurologists rarely ask any questions about emotional well-being. Thankfully, I have an excellent GP, who has been very supportive in this area.

The progression of MS is gradual and is such that changes from one week to the next are not obvious.  I make small adjustments or make decisions based on the here and now, not realising that I am slowly but surely losing small pieces of my life.  I’m having a reflective day today and realise that without being fully aware of it, I have stopped going to gigs (I love live music), I’ve stopped going into town for cocktails, I’ve stopped initiating get together with friends, I’ve stopped having nights out in the pub, I’ve stopped spotting interesting events online or when out and about (because I’m rarely out and about) and getting in touch with friends to see who’d like to come with me, I’ve stopped going for weekends away or visiting new places, I’ve stopped going for long walks … slowly but surely I am letting go of many of the things in life that I enjoy the most. My dreams of travel, of doing a Masters, having adventures, becoming involved in local politics, taking up photography have all but faded away.   This has been a rather painful realisation for me. 

There is a feeling of isolation attached to having a debilitating illness like MS …not just because of all the social situations I miss out on, but because I spend a lot of time living in my head, worrying and wondering about what comes next, grieving what I have lost and not feeling able to talk openly about these feelings.  This isn’t anyone’s fault …I really do have wonderfully supportive family, friends and colleagues around me …it’s just easier to keep it all in and maybe occasionally use this blog to let it all out?!

I have spent much of this weekend making notes in preparation for completing the dreaded PIP form.  This has forced me to focus on all the household tasks that I can no longer do or am struggling with … way to make me feel a failure, DWP!

So all of the above has led to me having a rather weepy and depressing weekend.

There are many online support groups, forums and Facebook groups where I can talk to fellow MSers, ask questions, offload and also provide support to others.  If you have MS, or any other medical condition for that matter, I would urge you to seek out and join one or some of these groups.  We can learn so much from each other’s experiences and it can take away some of those feelings of isolation, when you find others are dealing with the same concerns.

If anyone reading this is worried about me …please don’t!  I need to do this from time to time …I need to acknowledge my negative feelings, instead of hiding them away.  I am already feeling more positive this evening and actually looking forward to work tomorrow! 

96 MS and HSCT online

Well it’s a week into the school holidays and I’m finally starting to unwind a little.  I have decided not to book a holiday or even a trip to the IoM and to just stay home, relax, see friends and get a few jobs done.  

My garden is small and I usually manage it myself, but the recent warm weather combined with heavy rain fall, means that everything has grown madly over the last few weeks and it’s is now a bit beyond me!  

I am still anxiously awaiting news from the hospital in Sheffield.  I am expecting an appointment in “mid-August” but haven’t been informed of one yet.  It’s very hard to plan anything at all, as I want to make sure I’m available for the appointment. 

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I am one of those people who needs to learn as much as I can about things that affect me, so have been reading and researching all things Multiple Sclerosis since before I was formally diagnosed. It was through doing this that I came across a BBC news report on the MS MIST (HSCT) trial, leading to further research on whether it could be the treatment for me and how I could access it.  

In case anyone else is starting this journey or for anyone who is interested, here are some of the sources of information and support I have used.  

MS Society

In the UK, there are several organisations providing information and support for those with MS, their families and friends.  Perhaps the most well known of these is the MS Society.  The MS Society provides information via their website, has local support groups all over the country, funds research and campaigns on behalf of MSers.  The MS Societies in various countries are all linked and receive some of their funding from major drug companies.  The information they provide about MS is likely to be very reliable, however, there is concern amongst some MSers that that the Societies may be influenced by their pharmaceutical backers and that people with MS may not always be their first priority.  Certainly, it is very evident that the MS Societies do not promote HSCT and some of the information they provide on this is both inaccurate and overly negative. 

MS Trust

The MS Trust is another large UK organisation providing information and support for those impacted by MS.  The information on their website is reliable and easy to understand and I have also found their telephone helpline to be useful.

MS-UK

MS UK is a slightly smaller UK organisation, with a useful website and helpline. 

Shift.ms

Shift MS is a patient driven world wide organisation providing an online community of fellow MSers, where all aspects of the disease, treatments and everyday life are discussed. 

All of the above have social media presence on Twitter, Facebook and elsewhere and provide news and commentary on new developments in managing MS, living with disability, entitlement to benefits etc. 

When researching HSCT, it is not easy to find reliable information and patient experience.  The most reliable and supportive resource for me has been the Facebook groups, which are run by HSCT patients.

There is a general world wide HSCT group … HSCT Hematopoietic Stem Cell Transplant – MS & Autoimmune Diseases (Facebook group)

And a very helpful UK group – UK HSCT for MS and Autoimmune Diseases (Facebook group) – where UK citizens can get advice and chat with others about accessing treatment here or abroad.  There are further groups for the clinics in Russia and Mexico (as well as some others).  

AIMS (Autoimmune and Multiple Sclerosis)

There is also a new UK charity, the world’s first that supports people with MS and other autoimmune diseases to access HSCT.  The charity was set up by some HSCT patients and their partners and had its official launch last year.  They are mainly operating via their Facebook and Twitter pages at the moment and have recently launched their first invitation to those pursuing HSCT to apply for financial support with travel expenses.  

These have not been my only sources of information … I have also read numerous research reports and neurology opinion pieces, which have all helped me to feel confident in my decision to pursue HSCT.

A couple of my fellow HSCT UK Facebook group members have recently had their stories reported in the national media.

Colette and Lucy were both successfully treated by the team in Sheffield. You can read more about their stories here … Colette and Lucy.

33 BBC Breakfast ~ Friday 19th October 2018

Yesterday was an exciting day in the UK world of MS/HSCT, when BBC Breakfast did a feature on HSCT.  The item featured Roy Palmer and his partner, Helen talking about the amazing life changing improvements he has experienced following HSCT.  Roy was in a wheel chair for 10 years and is now walking again!

HSCT works!! ??‍♂️

Roy is a member of the online support group that I am also part of and is living proof that HSCT can help those who are older (Sorry Roy!), have long established MS and who are no longer mobile.  Like most of us, Roy had to fight to get HSCT  and prove that he met the strict criteria required for NHS treatment.  It was wonderful to see Roy so happy and positive on the BBC Breakfast sofa!

Whenever the BBC feature any discussion about MS, they always wheel out an “expert” from the MS Society and this is where many of us begin to feel frustrated at the slow progress in making HSCT more widely available to MSers who want and need it. 

The MS Society does some excellent work in providing information on the disease and on current mainstream treatments.  They also facilitate many groups and activities at a local level, which is a huge support to many.  But they are not only slow to promote HSCT, but actually continue to provide untrue information.  HSCT is not an experimental treatment and is not only appropriate for a very small number of those with MS.  There are too many success stories from patients with diverse presentation of the disease for them to continue saying this …yet they do.

Worldwide MS Societies are all connected and are partly funded by the big pharmaceutical companies, who make millions from the drugs currently used to treat those with MS.  I guess if we all had HSCT, hardly anyone would need those drugs anymore and their funding stream would end.  I don’t know if this is the reason for their reluctance to get behind HSCT, but find it hard to accept that an organisation that exists to support those with the disease, does not always seem to have the interests of patients at the forefront.

As well as fighting for my own treatment, I find myself wanting to fight to help others.  So yesterday, along with others I found myself posting on BBC articles about the item, directing people to more reliable sources of information. 

The UK now has a new charity dedicated to supporting those with MS (and other autoimmune diseases) to access HSCT.  The charity was formed by a group of MS Warriors and partners of MS Warriors who have had HSCT treatment and want to make a difference to others.  

You can find out more about their work here…

AIMS Facebook Page 

or on Twitter @aimscharity

For those with MS who are interested in HSCT, there is an excellent Facebook group for information and support.

UK HSCT Facebook Group

And YES, I am going to the ball! ????